JAY

I've been thinking a lot lately about my little brother Jay. I've debated about writing about something so sensitive and close to my heart, but it's been two years since his death, and I feel like sharing some sweet things I remember about him. This picture is of my three youngest siblings, Jay, Kloie and Jefrey. Jay is holding Ezra the day he was born- I love this picture for a couple of reasons- first, I love the expression on Jay's face. Such satisfaction, pride and joy. And second, it reminds me of the incredible relationship Jay had with my little Ezra. When Ezra was about nine months old Matt and I went on a day trip to lake Tahoe and left Ezra with my family for the longest chunk of time at that point- 7 hours! When we returned Jay was sitting in a rocking chair looking pretty worn out, holding our sleeping baby. Ezra was drawn to Jay early on, and on that occasion decided he would only be held by his uncle Jay. And then once he fell asleep in Jay's arms, Ezra woke up anytime he was laid down, so Jay held him for about an hour until we returned! Quite the job when Ezra was a chunky baby, over twenty pounds at that point! But that was Jay, he was always so great with Ezra, playing with him and helping him. In fact, Ezra talked about Jay all the time- and when we moved home for the summer, even though he wasn't even two yet, Ezra knew the path to my parents house, and would ask as soon as he suspected, if we were going to Jay's house. They had such an incredible relationship, and I am just so grateful Ezra was able to be so close to his uncle.

I've also thought a lot about Jay's passion for life- he was always doing everything to the fullest. I remember that summer, Jay was so excited to play soccer in the fall, and so all summer long to prepare he ran just about every day, made sure he was eating healthy food so that he would be strong and the best he could be. He would get ideas for making things and he would make it happen! Jay had carved just about a dozen Harry Potter wands, and even made a couple of broomsticks as well. He has also had my mom make him a cloak, and he had designed all sorts of other costumes so he could play 'Harry Potter' and other make believe games to the very fullest! The weekend before the accident Jay had played pool for the first time ever, and enjoyed it so much he came home filled with ideas for building his own pool table! There was nothing too big for Jay to accomplish- he seemed to look at life through very sure eyes- sure that he was a capable human being, and I admire that so greatly. He was also very sure of the gospel, and took his membership in the church and responsibilities there very seriously. Looking back it seems to me that his sureness in himself had a great deal to do with a deep sensitivity and understanding of his Heavenly Father's love for him. Both when he was baptized and when he received the priesthood he was very overcome emotionally- even at the age of 12, surrounded by other 12 year old boys. He wasn't able to explain exactly what he was feeling, only that at his baptism, everything was now so new (was what he said).

So, as I've been thinking about Jay lately, I've been reminded of things I've tried to learn from his life and his example. I've tried, and continue to not let my fears get in the way of doing and achieving things I want to in life. And I've had some really great experiences doing so. And I've learned to appreciate my family and loved ones more, understanding more deeply their impact and place in my life- and I think I am beginning to understand more fully the great joy and satisfaction on Jay's face in this picture as I hold those I love in my heart, and try each day to be a better friend, wife, mother, sister, and daughter to those around me. Although it is still painful, and we miss Jay incredibly, I am so grateful for the comfort I and my family have received, the support from loved ones and strength from the Holy Ghost and the Atonement of our Savior, Jesus Christ. And I am grateful for the lessons I have learned and will continue to learn from my incredible brother Jay.