most precious

I've been thinking a lot lately,

well probably for the last 9 or so years,

about who I am verses who I want to be.

I come to a place where I feel good about my answers,

and then life happens.

 insecurities rise

I try not to- but I compare myself

my style,

accomplishments,

health,

knowledge and experiences,

where I am now,

where I want to be,

where I think I should be…

and on,

and on,

and on.

Kind of a vicious cycle, really.

And then I have to re-visit the who I am verses who I want to be question.

I have a handful of dreams.

Dreams I am currently living,

and dreams I have either given up, or have decided to save for later.

I've found that my insecurities rise when I allow myself to look outside of what I have now and get distracted with either what I have given up or saved for later.

In those moments, I can get to feeling like life is pretty unfair.

Comparison can be quite the downer on a life that is actually really satisfying.

That's where I have found such valuable assistance in my helpful friend:

Gratitude.

With gratitude I find that life is so much brighter!

The mundane, trivial and even simple things in life can become so precious.

The day in and day out of caring for my little Yaya's releases the burden it can oft times carry, 

and becomes not just a joy, but such an awesome privilege.

It's an experience I feel so blessed to be able to be a part of,

and so fortunate to have an amazing companion in Matthew to share all of this with.

I usually love a good list of resolutions at the start of the year.

But this year felt different.

This year I wanted something deeper, more long lasting, more long term.

I wanted something less outside of me, and more internal.

I wanted a change in my heart, that could then lead me to do and be beautiful things- greater things than I could even come up with on my own.

So this year,

my plan is to keep my heart open.

Open to let in more hope,

more patience,

 more love.

Open to more courage.

Open to feel, see and remember the Lord's hand in my life every day.

Open to feel, and the resolution to follow the guidance I am given.

Open to be grateful and show that gratitude for all I am blessed to experience.

I've felt a greater desire to record some details of our life.

The profound to the mundane, and everything between.

I've felt a pull to worry less about achieving the order I constantly long for.  As well as a push to stop putting off fun things for later in the attempt to obtain what I am finding to be that unobtainable level of order:)  (at least unobtainable for now)

And with that pull and push, I've felt a yearning in my heart to work more to create moments with my family.  Meaningful conversations with my children, valuable outings together, creative exploration, and spiritual upliftment.  Rather than busy bustling, I'm wanting rich growth and loving kindness.

I recently stumbled upon this quote on a blog of this photographer I admire.

"Material goods & self-glorifying domestic perfectionism are definitely not the heart of the home. The heart of the home is found in the relationships nurtured there and the comfort offered to one another – comfort we have first received from God, the Father of compassion, and then share with one another." – Carolyn McCulley

my plan may be a bit lofty, and slightly vague…

but I'm going to give it a try.

I am not going to set many boundaries or expectations, as it's mostly an experiment.

But I am going to try to document a bit more,

find things to be grateful for daily,

try to learn all I can,

and do my best to find this open place within my heart where I suspect something great may abound,

or at least where I will see more fully those things that truly are most precious.